I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
