just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
