I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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