I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Randomize
