you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
false alarm, still single
Randomize
