i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
