She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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