found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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