We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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