My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
