i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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