the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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