is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
