so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
