dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
