well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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