Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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