sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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