I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
