my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
