I heard we made out
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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