i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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