umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
