Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
