I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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