i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
