you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
