We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We talked him into tasing himself.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
