apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
