the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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