roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My dick has a subreddit
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
