yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
