In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
