oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
