nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
