I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
