I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
