I just made out with a guy for $7.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
