so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
