if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
