onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Randomize
