Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
