can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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