between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
