I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
