the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
