I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
