I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
