We won't sleep together?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
