my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
